I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
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Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I love twitter
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?