Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
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Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”