If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
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Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Yup!
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister