I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
You Might Also Like
is there nothing we can trust anymore
nice challenge
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
*seductively corrects your posture*
LMAO
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
called in thicc to work this morning
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.