3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
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me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
#ProTip
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
*limbos away from your hug*
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.