Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
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Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.