After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
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Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.