Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
You Might Also Like
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
🤣🤣🤣
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…