Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
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Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?