once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
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me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Straight people are cancelled
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
The Struggle
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle