My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
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pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*