Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
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Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.