Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
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My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Dishonest mechanic?
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Spell check is for lasers.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?