Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
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Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
operators are standing by to ignore your call
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.