Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
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this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
This is the best one I’ve seen
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland