People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
You Might Also Like
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.