Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
You Might Also Like
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?