Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
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therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
britain’s three elite institutions
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Pandas 🐼🖤
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I forgot how to panic. Help