I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
You Might Also Like
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
when someone rings the doorbell
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Come back with a warrant
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?