No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
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[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.