“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
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Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Proctology is located in A55
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Deer are just ballerina dogs
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t