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“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in