[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
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Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?