I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
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2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
🤔😂😂
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!