boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
You Might Also Like
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Harsh but fair
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.