Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
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“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift