My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
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The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed