*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
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They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I put the h in mysterious.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
What if all the cashiers are married?