How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
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Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Always…
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up