Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
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At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I feel seen
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
(Musicians.)
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.