Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
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My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Wednesday
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Support your local cemetery
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.