I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
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If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
there has never been a better use of this meme
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think