“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
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Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Finally, a door that understands me
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack