My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice