I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
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If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol