Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
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GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.