You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
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If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost