*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
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My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
You are what you delete.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!