My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
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DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
79.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand