i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
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*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”