MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
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People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
yea so i messed up lol
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus