Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Sticker placement is key.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.