An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
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Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out