Lmao
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What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Poetry is my passion
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
the #horror is real!
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.