Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
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‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.