If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
You Might Also Like
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes