Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
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ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.