My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
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Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I enjoy a good short stor
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I don’t make the rules sorry
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.