“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
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Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Baking is just science you can eat.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS