Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.